It is long past due for us to put hetero-patriarchy on blast in the Black community in 2014 and stop scapegoating Black women. I know several sisters right now who are struggling in partnerships with Black men who do not value the full spectrum of their humanity or see Black women as their equal counterparts, but something to be subjugated. Even though Black men do not reap any real material benefits from sexist oppression and patriarchy in the same ways that ruling class men do, they still buy into it. This is one of the reasons why so many Black women, like myself, choose to be single. The alternative is way too dangerous and many of us are simply not willing to take that risk. I have heard Black men call themselves the “alpha male” or the “boss” more than I can count. There is so much pain, hurt, and insecurity when Black men see themselves through these limited rigid s*x roles. For all of our sake, it is time for Black men to stop exchanging their humanity for the crumbs of power thrown at them by ruling class power structures.
I see no value in being an alpha male unless he is willing to use his powers for good. Be the kind of alpha male that does not perpetuate sexism but dismantles and challenges it. Be an alpha male that takes responsibility for his own emotional life and one that is willing and unafraid to sit with his own vulnerabilities. Be a boss that bosses an end to gender based violence and discrimination in our community; boss sexist oppression right out of our lives. We need more Black men bosses in the community who will sanction and interrupt sexism wherever they may find it. Boss an alternative to sexism in our culture that teaches men to value nurture, respect, and promote the full spectrum and liberation of Black women. Be a boss and encourage Black men to save themselves and stop perpetuating a sexist system that denies them their full humanity in exchange for a perverted and disturbed sense of power and respect. If more Black men will step up and do the work of acknowledging sexist oppression in our community, particularly the ways in which it shows up in our romantic lives than we might finally enjoy happier healthier relationships.
That said, I am glad there are some Black men out there who have dedicated their lives to a Black agenda that includes Black women and who openly embrace a Black feminist critique of sexism and Black male privilege. You can find one example here. I also know of some beautiful loving partnerships out there between Black men and women that inspires me and gives me so hope for the future. I see these brothers who love and respect powerful women as equal partners as further illustration of a new kind of radical Black masculinity that is sustaining. This way of loving and being reminds us everyday that this world belongs to Black women too. These brothers do the work that encourages other Black men to take responsibility for unpacking their internalized sexism and patriarchy. They also remind us that as long as we continue to pathologize single Black women, patriarchy wins. I honor and salute them for their work, but we need to do more. We need to do more, because as my mentor bell hooks teaches: “there can be no love without justice.”
Crystal can be reached via Twitter @motherjustice.
Article Appeared @http://www.kulturekritic.com/2014/01/men/crystal-m-hayes-msw-2014-time-tell-truth-single-black-women/