The Alcoholic
This is the boyfriend who was an alcoholic.
The Kentucky Cousin
Kind of felt like kissing my brother
The Ben Affleck
Everyone thought he was a nothing special, so you left him. And now he’s super successful and the perfect family man. Whoops.
The Mambo No. 5
Really fun at home in private, but you would never acknowledge it in public.
McDonald’s Breakfast
It hit the spot like no other. But ultimately, it’s just not healthy to be having that every day.
Rubik’s Cube
I spent so much time trying to figure this one out it just became not fun anymore. So I gave up.
Old Yeller
He started off like the most loyal companion ever … until I realized it was because he was [bleepin’] crazy. “No, Ma. I’ll do it. He’s my dog.”
The Ricky Martin
He’s a great dancer and super sensitive … but he’s gay.
The Cloud
I looked at him long enough that my perception made him into something he wasn’t. And soon I realized he wasn’t a bunny holding a hula hoop; he was just a cloud.
Ultimately, the goal is to have The Lemonade boyfriend. If it’s not some imitation Crystal Light or packaged Country Time crap, I never don’t want lemonade I could have it all day, every day. It has nutritional value, it hydrates and it’s sweet. I appreciate every little sip and I need a little sugar in my diet to make me happy.
Plus, I’m convinced anyone who doesn’t like it is a communist.
Article Appeared in The Red Eye Chicago
Also Appeared in The Black Truth News Volume 4. Issue 3