The Jester
Jayson Williams can still display the same wit, humor and larger than life personality that made him a fan favorite in the NBA. He can still fill up a room with his booming laugh and tell stories with the candor and charisma that once made him a popular NBA analyst with NBC. And he can still do all this while dealing with a world of hurt.
“With my family, with three sisters being killed and the tragedies of being molested by someone you trusted and causing so much pain like taking an innocent man’s life like I did, we have to find something to make us smile,” Williams says.
“My grandma used to say, ‘Jay, you have a fantastic smile, get out this room and don’t come back in unless you smiling.'”
This day is more of the same. He appears weary, worn out by his hectic schedule and, he’ll be honest, hesitant to be doing this interview in the first place. He thinks he’s soliciting, just like when he tweets. He would rather people read his actions than his words. But this being the same Jayson Williams who made the all-interview team as a player, he can’t help but speak openly. And he surely can’t help but throw in a few jokes and funny stories, like the one about the homeless man at his recovery group who taught him how to turn off his smartphone when he got out of prison.
But don’t be mistaken, there’s still pain beneath the surface of one of the toughest guys to ever put on an NBA uniform. So when the conversation turns to his two daughters, whom he hasn’t seen in years because of prison and a pending divorce, he breaks down.
How does that affect you?
JW: You never sleep. And you can’t blame them. They didn’t recklessly mishandle the shotgun. I did.
How does the accident play a role in your life now?
JW: You never look at it for pity for yourself. I caused pain. So I have to constantly go to Scripture.
When I was in South Carolina, I wrote about this in the book, I used to have to plow and ride on this John Deere at two miles per hour and you had to pick a point where you’re going straight ahead and not look back. If you look back and you lose your point straight ahead, when you look up you already ran over the soy beans, all the corn — you messed up everything. So you’ve gotta keep your head looking forward. And I have to keep going to Scripture.
Poor me? Poor me, my butt. I caused this.
[Voice shaking.] When you haven’t seen your kids in years and you’re going around trying to save other people’s you have to look at yourself in the mirror and still say, ‘What’s going on?’ Because I’m going through some difficulties, some challenges, the only ones that are hurting right now are my children, and to me they’re the biggest part of my life.
This is a scar where, for whatever reason, I’m not up for father of the year. And it’s my fault. That’s the toughest thing in my life because I’ve got the best parents in the world and I’m not a good parent. I’ve never been able to take them to the park and be a fool with them because I always had to worry about people saying, ‘Look at him being reckless, how can he be having fun with all the pain he caused?’ So my kids have never really got a chance to see their dad.
I’m trying to take my mind off of this by coming back home and saying at least I did something to help somebody else’s kids, when my kids need it the most. I suck at being a dad. Not because of my heart, because I love my kids more than anything in this world. Because I suck at it. …
I can’t make up for lost time with them or with anybody. All I can do is say sorry to everybody, show them I’m remorseful.
What’s your relationship with the Christofi family?
They wrote me a letter years back saying they forgave me. But this had to do with legalities, something that, to be honest with you, it was like, ‘Take this few million dollars, but can you sign this letter?’ Do I want to have a relationship with them? Of course. From Day 1 I wanted to have a relationship with them. When that time comes, when they’re ready, I’m ready.
Are you able to be the fun-loving guy you were before the accident?
It’s a struggle. That was my biggest problem — I always wanted to make other people feel good. I dated a young lady named Cynthia Bailey, a supermodel. She’s a beautiful woman, inside and out, but Picasso she was not. But she drew me a beautiful picture once — it was me in a clown’s uniform and the clown was crying. She titled it ‘Tears of a Clown.’ She said, ‘All you try to do is make everybody’s life better but never your own.’ It’s one of the few pieces of artwork that I’ve kept. She was right. I never had peace.
Do you have peace now?
As long as I have God, I have peace.