In this respect, cuckolding attracts “the very highly educated,” Paul says, adding that it’s “truly intellectual in its enterprise because it replaces sexual touch with humiliation and emotional pain, both of which are psychological. Most of what gives me physical pleasure has to go on in my brain. I’m totally being classist, but this isn’t like people in redneck bars asking each other, ‘You wanna fuck my wife?’ It’s much more complex. It’s pleasure on a different level.”
When, after years of pleading, he finally convinced Sally, whom he describes as “dignified and proper,” to cuckold him, Paul posted a notice at AdultFriendFinder.com that began: “Seeking an intelligent man to be my wife’s lover.” He picked the four smartest candidates. That was 12 years ago. Watching Sally having sex with another man, “I realize how bad I am at it. And this is really hard for me to say”—at this point, his voice cracks—”but I get off on it.”
Although he doesn’t know precisely why he’s wired this way—”I’ve told all my therapists I’m happy to talk with them about this as long as they promise they won’t try to cure me”—Paul remembers walking in on his parents once when he was too young to realize what they were doing in bed.
“They said, ‘Get out!’ And I knew it was something very exciting, and that when it’s going on, Paul belongs outside—that my place should always be outside of it, which is a really cool place to be.”
For other cuckolds, pain isn’t the point. Some are closeted husbands who want to see naked men, whether they admit it or not. Others like the idea of their wives attracting other guys.
“Competition gets them hard,” says sex therapist Susan Block, who operates a phone-therapy program especially for cuckolds to fine-tune their fantasies and strategies. “There are so many forms of substitute competition among men in our society, such as sports, that take the place of the real competition inside a woman’s body,” in which rival males’ sperm engage in “wars” to fertilize her eggs.
“Winning isn’t even that important. What’s important for a man in terms of his arousal is the competition. If you’re a married man, you might love your wife, but you won’t get as strong an erection for her or have as strong an ejaculation if your testicles know that this woman is yours alone. Nature is conservative, so your testicles won’t work any harder than they know they have to. But if your wife has been away at a conference and there’s a chance that she’s had sex with another man, you’ll get a stronger erection when she comes home. If she has had sex with another man, that makes you really hard.”
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